my best friend is google

Lately life is comprised mostly of sedentary kind i have been indulging with. My somewhat physical inactivity relegated me to burn not enough  calories in a day. Although an insormountable amount of my time is taken by my job, working for a more than n a month just sitting on the cardiac monitor gives me a feeling of heaviness and unsavory sense of well being. By the way i work as telemonitor (cardiac) nurse which requires me to focus on the monitor the whole shift for as long as 15 hours a day.  Quite ironic, previously i was ranting how physically draining my job was when i was directly handling patients.

Adding  up my woes is being  confined to the customs of my  host country (ksa)  where i am working with aside from being loverless.  Put boldly into the picture i am absolutely single who started to deal with the so called “middle life crisis.” While i am still existing here i am obliged to embrace a monotonous lifestyle. My stints after  work and even during off from line of duty is no exception. I am bound to stay in our accomodation mostly to simply get enough sleep in preparation for the next day of work. Given that i am not at all alone when there are times i could feel the human presence of my housemates. However the twinge of loneliness is undeniable when they are  at work and i am stucked by my lonesome. With or without them i have learned to create my own world, socialize with myself and feel okay with it. (Is it really okay?)

The solitary being in me had kept up with the changing times of the world. My life has earned a total reliance on the internet. With the advent of the social media many of them to mention, some of them i found too ubiquitous and redundant. Seeing nonsense selfies, groupies, trivial statuses, tweets, yes they rule, they cannot be denied.  Obviously, i am also a patron of such trend but not as active as before . I have also my heydays of bragging my pictures and upload any picture i like. Lately, I have chosen to do so only if deemed appropriate or necessary. I have the not so guilty pleasure of watching youtube incessantly. I feel like if i dont do so i would be left out of this world. While my attention is set on my ipad, the television which was my former addiction is now found in the background. My silly idea of switching the tv on  with minimal sound for the simple reason of feigning i have a  companion, haha!!!

No matter what i do  on my ipad i couldnt sleep without reverting to the basics which is the google. While decades ago i have to turn the pages of our book of knowledge to gain of course knowledge.  Presently, whatever comes to my mind, i find comfort by seeking the search engine. Citing an example  I knew it was needless for me to search the word “depression,” but i found myself browsing through google hoping to find enlightenment, links to self help advices etc. The darker side was i went as far as searching the ” painless way to commit suicide.”I knew i was not desperate enough to  put  into actions whatever the links suggested like what the co-pilot of germanwings did by searching “cockpit.” But what blew me away is realizing  there is really no painless way to commit suicide  based on my readings. Okay i work in the medical field but i knew  even a puncture of a needle still evokes pain. I was probably  extremely sad with my wandering in google but not qualified to be suicidal for that matter.

How can i forget my intense dependence on google to get to know some bits of information about my former love interest. I was underwhelmed, too shy to ask  anything under the sun from our mutual friends who could satisfy my cravings. Alas, although he is not a celebrity, google allowed me to gleam his conversion to islam in an article, his contributions being a political figure etc etc etc. It was not a difficult research at all. How i cannot be so grateful to google when a fancy  unbelievably became a reality. However, not long after, is it is also browsing the internet that caused the meltdown. The death of a dream, a fantasy that became a reality, a reality turned into a nightmare. I could pass as an intellegence agent for  my correct judgement and impeccable intuition thanks to the internet  on how i was able to crack my  ex cheating on me without direct witnesses.

My best pal is google fortunately or unfortunately. Now that i have less human interaction except in my workplace and as an expat in a very restrictive place u wouldnt wonder why google became my bestfriend. Whenever  i ran out of ideas to do, google has the answers though i knew its not credible at all times if not most of the times . At least it keeps me company in my solitude, i can think of the other world, other lives, other misfortunes than indulge in my own misery.

DEPRESSION

Depression,  a word that I often use when life seems unforgiving to me. Years passed when I believed I was struggling with  depression without help, fearing the social stigma of mental illness. Who is to blame? I grew up in a community where there is this culture of seeing a shrink equates to being crazy.

I thought I had it on and off, unnoticed or simply ignoring its effects at some stages of my life. There was a time depression was caused by joblessness. Without obligations it did not necessitate me to be desperate looking for work to pay the bills.  Or was I  a confused individual unwilling to practice my profession of nursing? Two years passed of complacency and living in idleness I was painstakingly struggling to push myself to work. Well, facing  the pangs of being fed up finally shoved me to get up and to stand on my own.

Another cause of my depression was being jilted. I always believe Im one of the persons in the world who is not so lucky in love. I was tired assessing myself trying to figure out the flaws which hinder my success in that department. More often than not I am always a victim of a third-party who replaces me in an instant without given the chance of taking my graceful exit or at least to fight for my rights (as if i have the rights)!

As I can see it the causes of my depression do not differ from that of others, I could even say  they might be  even lighter compared to others. However, my struggle with depression which is most of the time beautifully concealed, has given me the wisdom that I aint human if I don’t embrace depression in such a manner that I could only  understand better the importance of my life without it. No pain no glory. Wew!