Depression,  a word that I often use when life seems unforgiving to me. Years passed when I believed I was struggling with  depression without help, fearing the social stigma of mental illness. Who is to blame? I grew up in a community where there is this culture of seeing a shrink equates to being crazy.

I thought I had it on and off, unnoticed or simply ignoring its effects at some stages of my life. There was a time depression was caused by joblessness. Without obligations it did not necessitate me to be desperate looking for work to pay the bills.  Or was I  a confused individual unwilling to practice my profession of nursing? Two years passed of complacency and living in idleness I was painstakingly struggling to push myself to work. Well, facing  the pangs of being fed up finally shoved me to get up and to stand on my own.

Another cause of my depression was being jilted. I always believe Im one of the persons in the world who is not so lucky in love. I was tired assessing myself trying to figure out the flaws which hinder my success in that department. More often than not I am always a victim of a third-party who replaces me in an instant without given the chance of taking my graceful exit or at least to fight for my rights (as if i have the rights)!

As I can see it the causes of my depression do not differ from that of others, I could even say  they might be  even lighter compared to others. However, my struggle with depression which is most of the time beautifully concealed, has given me the wisdom that I aint human if I don’t embrace depression in such a manner that I could only  understand better the importance of my life without it. No pain no glory. Wew!


resurrecting my penchant for writing

Im not really into writing but  i have an unwavering desire to do so eversince . My present career sidelined me to be content with making up unsatisfying sleep during my day off. However i dont want to deny myself of what my heart truly aspires for. It is my best form of expression where i can help stimulate myself mentally and possibly spiritually.

Working for more than seven years and counting in the ultraconservative country of saudi where social life is nonexistent to its truest sense. Other than dealing with people in my workplace as a nurse  my life literally revolves around being a healthworker in this other side of the world. I dont know if i should laud myself for my enduring stint in this turf that i never imagined i would set my foot into. Sometimes i think i am quite displaced from my origin of birth due to the popular hype that working abroad as a nurse paves the way for a better future. In that sense, i have an ambivalent feelings over which if i should feel lucky, be grateful or simply  feel the other way around. should i have stayed in the philippines, do i get a life where i am financially rewarded the same way that i am compensated by my present host country? definitely the answer is no. regrets? is it really money which brought me here? to be honest i cant even answer it myself. i was just a disgruntled citizen of my own country being jobless for two years caught in a web of this dillemna to work overseas. i was so naive who also jumped into this bandwagon following my contemporaries who are doin well abroad.

The culture which i found so punitive at first that i became well  adjusted later on me didnt really matter at all. i was hungry for a career which i felt i was deprived of  from where i came from. my first two years were the most stressful,  learning the language and temperament of patients i dealt with. i would always find a way out to dodge the overwhelming stress keeping me exhausted by gaining friends out of my workplace. at first it was quite amazing meeting  and hanging out with fellow filipino friends. it was an utter challenge mingling with them since it is prohibited here. in fact, i attended more well organized parties here than when i was living in the philippines. its quite an irony. the friends that i knew of had dwindled in numbers unfortunately.

right now my saudi life consists mostly of work and rest in my pad. i dont have activities anymore like i used to have. i am reduced to an individual who is simply working to>